Check Out My Interview With Jonah Falcon!

I'll admit, I've never experienced the horror/joys/gag reflexes of bedding a man attached to a 13.5 inch penis.
In fact, most of my penis bedtime stories likely involve a member less then half that size, with a brain and spirit equal in half of what I'd prefer. It's an awesome life.

I write about The Dirty more then I actually do it, and was was given the assignment of interviewing this mammoth-sized fellow (street name: Jonah Falcon) after watching this Daily Show clip.

ENJOY!

Nothing Says SEX Like the "ON" Button Of A Laptop

Behold: The computer "ON" key as the image you'll rip apart during a blurry, late-night fuck session.

Leave it up to the janky tastes of New York City's online voters to decide on this puzzling/crap-tastic/bland as tofu condom wrapper design for the city's free condoms.

You remember the last logo -- a generic, touristy kind of a thing.

Ahhh. Memories. Enchanted, whore-y memories.

While brainstorming a new logo for the city's free condoms, the powers-that-be made the ill-fated decision to have its constitutes log online and double-click their way to a new design.

If it were up to me, I would've chosen the "man-hole" design the New York Daily News says came in fourth place with 19% of the votes. The idea of a condom covering sewerage you'd rather not come in contact with? Love it. Apt analogy, indeed.

Check Out My Interview With Jackie Collins!

I had the pleasure of chatting with the fabulous Jackie Collins. This was originally posted for my column at YourTango.com.

If you've been known to get lost in a lazy afternoon marathon of E! True Hollywood Stories, then Jackie Collins is the novelist for you.
Collins—whose modus operandi is telling salacious, splashy tales about the lives of the rich, beautiful and famous—has a new novel out: Poor Little Bitch Girl. The book centers around three young women, and the philandering husbands and cheating boyfriends they love. It's her 27th novel (other novels include The World Is Full Of Married Men, The Stud, and Drop Dead Beautiful) and, if it's anything like the other 26, it's soon to be a New York Times best-seller.
A twice-married woman who seems to have experienced it all (she's rumored to have had an affair with Marlon Brando), we were thrilled that Collins was willing to share with us her thoughts on romance, her love for Paris Hilton, why one should never use the word "small" in bed and much, much more.
1. If you could tell your younger self something you've since learned about love, dating, sex and/ or relationships, what would it be?
Never wait for a phone to ring—get out and do it for yourself!
2. The fictional character you'd most like to date is _____.
Jay Gatsby from F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby or Bobby Santangelo from Poor Little Bitch Girl.
3. Describe your ideal sexual encounter in three words.
Hot, long and fun!

Lindsay Lohan's Contribution To Society

Lindsay Lohan is taking her clothes off and acting like the kind of classy lady only an extra on MTV's Jersey Shore could love. Can you believe this chick is only 23?! I feel like we've been feasting/shielding/wiping away tears of horror from our eyes for decades now.

Here she is looking very Long Island for Purple magazine. Click here to see all the outtakes.

Arranged Marriage. Should We Try It On For Size?

Today's New York Times Modern Love piece is swaying me to think us Westerners may need to not be so phobic of "arranged marriage."

Try it on for size. If only in our heads. (Briefly.) Before fucking and then breaking it off with whomever we've been sharing bodily fluids with for the past month.

The narrator is an Indian man, educated, software developer, who jumps through his family's arranged marriage hoops because, as he says, he is a "good boy."

His wife was the neighbor's daughter. He describes her as "cute" (cute enough, we presume). When she was presented to him he "nodded in approval" in what sounds like the same horribly unromantic vain as us Westerners when "approving" whomever we're seated next at our neighborhood bar.

So they married. Have two son. Are still together. Are they happy?